goooooaaaallll
Posted by eriku | Posted in
Screaming fanatics surrounding me, lights flashing and horns blaring in triumph of the latest play, so excruciatingly exciting but auditoraly severe to those in 113 as if they ever needed to hear, see or think again after seeing the wonderous act of Blake Geoffrion score the winning goal for the unbeatable, indescribable, rabid Badger fans.
This is not a sentence. That said, I will address grammar below.
As a description, this has a lot going for it. It opens with a barrage of grating words; 'screaming, 'flashing,' 'blaring,' 'excruciatingly,' and 'severe' all aim to make the ears hurt just reading them. The phrasing 'as if they never needed to hear, see, or think again' (Is the word meant to be 'never' here? 'Ever' didn't quite make logical sense to me...) conveys the immensity of the occasion and a feeling of removal from the progress of time by a total immersion in the present. An initial blaze of intensity and excitement draws the reader in and keeps them reading to finally discover what has happened.
I thought it was unique and effective to give the description 'unbeatable' not to the team but to the fans; it emphasizes the audience's energy, dedication, and involvement in the game. The finishing touch, 'rabid,' brings everything full circle, throwing the reader back to the 'screaming fanatics' and the frenzy and chaos of the moment.
As far as making this a grammatically correct sentence, the simplest fix I can see here would be to change 'surrounding' to 'surround' or 'surrounded,' creating a lengthy final free modifier with 'fanatics' as the simple subject, 'surround/surrounded' as the simple predicate, and 'fanatics surround(ed) me' as the simplest complete thought.
I believe the grammar is also questionable in the phrase 'the wondrous act of Blake Geoffrion score the winning goal.' I think 'scoring' in place of 'score' may be more correct. (check spelling- it’s wondrous, not wonderous.)
I also think a comma after '113' may help the grammatical logic.
I don't mean to put words in your mouth, but the murkiness in grammatical logic has forced me, as the reader, to infer meaning, and this is my interpretation.
p.s. I love your biographical sketch poem